Yesterday, a friend asked how I felt about Mother’s Day.
“Do you think of your mother during Mother’s Day typically?”
It seemed like a very strange question. Maybe intrusive. Maybe just something out of sheer curiosity from someone who doesn’t understand loss in that way. Still, while the question was strange to think of, the answer to it was more than just a simple yes or no. Some people may have said “of course I do!” Some may say no because of the loss.
It’s been 25 years since my mother passed. That’s a long, long time. The obvious answer is yes, because honestly, how could you forget ? It’s the way you think and feel that changes during the years. Pain, regret, happiness, nostalgia, etc. They will always be there, but the magnitude changes all the time.
Is the loss more or less raw on certain days? In the beginning it didn’t matter what day it was, or time of year. It always hurt. When special days came up, they hurt more; they reminded me of the fact that she couldn’t be there to experience those days. She never would be. That simple reality impacted life so profoundly, that it’s impossible to ignore.
As the years went by, the intensity of the pain would fade. It would never go away, and always resurface from time to time. And then, there were the days and experiences that intensify the loss – the moments where I would have wanted to her there. Those times make the wounds resurface.
So, to the question on hand – do I think of her on Mother’s Day? Undoubtedly. It’s difficult not to. It’s impossible to avoid photos of other women with their mothers – and then know that I don’t have that. When others talk about their own mothers chiming in about parenting, I am reminded that I can never ask what motherhood was like for her. When people post multi generational photos of their families, my heart stings knowing that there’s only myself and my son. It hurts to know that I never knew her more than a young child understands their mother; I will never have the opportunity to get to know her as a person, as a confidant, and a support system.
Mother’s Day doesn’t change these feelings or add to what I already know and feel. It is simply another day to remember that she’s not here.
On the other hand, I remember good things as well. There are limited memories and instances from my childhood. I also remember the women who served as a mother figure in the absence of my own. I remember my father who had to fill both roles in her absence.
Today, I hold my son and think of how much I appreciate being his mother. I can’t help but think that I forged a bond with my mother by becoming one. While I can never hear her say it, perhaps I find that I may understand her more now than I did then. Maybe this is what she felt when she held me. Perhaps she felt the same pride when I learned something new. I too laughed like she did when my son sings funny, made-up songs . I may have felt the same frustration as my son exhibited the same behavior and personality that she told me I had at his age. Maybe I can sympathize and appreciate her experience as I work through my own.
Of course, it was hard to explain this when I was asked. It’s a mixture of so many things. But the fact remains – yes, I will always think of her.
This Mommy is Real 
I completely understand. It’s definitely difficult to celebrate mothers day without your mother. But, I to remember just that it’s a celebration. And I will celebrate her for the rest of my life. I wish you the best.
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I really like that idea – we can celebrate our mothers always.
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Mother’s Day is a special day. One that should be celebrated in your own way. Glad you still think of your mother, regardless of what day it is.
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I like that – we don’t have to celebrate in any certain way.
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Mother’s Day is a tough day for a lot of people. Sending you love.
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Thank you, this year was more challenging than usual
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I’m so sorry you lost your mom. I lost my mom about 15 years ago, and it is still hard. For me, it seems to hit me the most when we go to school events and it feels like everyone else’s kids have excited grandparents coming to see them perform/graduate/etc., but we don’t have that. It is so hard 😦
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I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s true, special events tend to it hard.
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Gosh that’s a long time already 😦
It is not something easy to deal with ❤
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It is, it’s tough that it won’t ever be so easy.
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Such a heartfelt post !!! Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you, I’m glad you think so.
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I can’t even imagine living without my mom. Sorry your mom is not there with you. But she’s always gonna be inside of you.
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Yes, thank you for that sweet sentiment.
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Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate
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I’m sorry we have that in common
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Thank you for sharing your story. A loss of a mother is something that always stays with you. It is a profound experience.
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So much so. Especially as we go through things like motherhood.
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Wow, I can’t imagine all the ways you honor her. I think you make a very good point here. She won’t ever be forgotten.
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Yes, which means definitely, always thinking of her 😊
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Loved reading this story. You’ve had to learn so much and do things without a loved one that so many of us take for granted. Not purposefully, but this has shown me to truly cherish what I have in my mother. Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing 🙂
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Thank you, I’m really glad it helped you cherish what you have.
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Thank you for this perspective of mother’s day. I am sorry you don’t get to celebrate it with your mom but glad you think of the memories with her.
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Thank you!
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