Scatterbrained

I see the dates, but they don't click. I agree to them, but they don't commit to memory. Maybe, it's because everyday is now the same day. I don't have the life of a career woman and it only feels as if I'm halfway committing to being a stay at home mom. I have a … Continue reading Scatterbrained

An Unexpected Ending

The day began like many others: a flurry of emails, inquiries to respond to, reports and issues to troubleshoot. I had planned to work on the prep for some large upcoming projects. I was sure to make headway on a lot of pending tasks. Then, mid afternoon, I went to a meeting. The next thing … Continue reading An Unexpected Ending

Every Single Word

We glance back and forth and play, but the conversation is one sided. We mime and move in exaggerated motions. I hope for sound. I speak in long, sing-song tones. I gesture and smile. I try my best to coax the "right" response. It never comes. Instead, my young son smiles back at me, and … Continue reading Every Single Word

Weaning Off My Antidepressant

In September, my psychiatrist agreed that I was finally ready to wean off of my antidepressant. I had been doing very well, and have since fully recovered from Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. My therapist echoed the sentiment, citing numerous recent visits where I had shown tremendous improvement. I felt better and more confident than I … Continue reading Weaning Off My Antidepressant

Two Years Later

I remember how I felt back then. I've detailed them in so many different blog entries. I was so scared of being a bad mother - not knowing what to do, not caring enough for my son, even wondering if I was good enough to be anyone's mother. I was afraid that I would never … Continue reading Two Years Later

The Painful Truth

Sometimes, late at night, I'm reminded of this painful truth.  While everyone else is sound asleep, I am awake and alone with the realization of something very certain. Inevitably, tears stream my face. They fall without any accompanying sounds, and I always try to shut my eyes tighter to make them stop.  It's all in … Continue reading The Painful Truth

The Reset

A month or so ago, I fell deep. My self-esteem plunged down into new lows. The the horrifying digits on the scale stung. It's not like I didn't feel it - but to see it was sobering. I decided to take my blood pressure - I stared at the numbers in disbelief. It was strange … Continue reading The Reset

Was I at Risk for Postpartum Depression?

The beginning was hard. Every week, I went to the support group. I couldn't bring my son with me. I was fearful of being anywhere outside of the home with him. I felt like I had no control.  I felt broken and lost. I cried at every session. I  was confused. Who had I become? … Continue reading Was I at Risk for Postpartum Depression?

Checking Boxes

Yes, no, yes, no. I've probably completed a handful of these things. I've had to go through them on my own, but generally with a professional. The assessments were always at least 5 pages long. They covered various things from speaking, to fine motor skills, and eating habits. The first of these assessments was done because … Continue reading Checking Boxes

Unwanted Commentary

I remember her scathing remark. The disapproving tone echoing throughout the otherwise quiet room. The hospital floor was full, and so, my dad had to temporarily share a room. My siblings and I visited him as often as we could - sometimes together, sometimes splitting days depending on our schedule. I was with one of … Continue reading Unwanted Commentary