I see the dates, but they don’t click. I agree to them, but they don’t commit to memory.
Maybe, it’s because everyday is now the same day. I don’t have the life of a career woman and it only feels as if I’m halfway committing to being a stay at home mom. I have a set schedule daily, made to make me feel like I still can be productive while still “in transition” to my next opportunity.
The problem is, this schedule, and the tasks they hold, aren’t dynamic. They are the same types of things, without much difference. The similarity and consistency of them make it feel like it’s the same day – on repeat all the time. So much so, that’s it hard for me to distinguish one day from a other. Monday seems like Wednesday. That day could have been Friday, or maybe even a Tuesday. Whatever it was, it was all the same to me.
Recently, this escalated to something else. Because all of the days were the same, the times within that day, or the dates themselves would all blend together. It’s as if I’ve lost the concept of time. I have woken up early to go to a rummage sale – which was scheduled for the following week. I have doubled booked appointments, even after looking at the times, because I didn’t register the conflict. I have written down the wrong appointment times, even after confirming the right times. I’ve forgotten commitments to things I have confirmed more than once.
I am scatterbrained. I am absentminded. I’m not who I used to be.
Realizing this results in a sense of loss – I don’t recognize myself anymore. This is not who I am. I could handle so many things at once, and not lose a step. This isn’t me at all.
It’s tough – it’s more of a symptom of what I’m going through. Surviving this means focusing on things that bring value. It means taking a step back and re-evaluating. Am I doing too much or doing things too quickly ? Am I rushing through things?
How do I go find myself again?