Postpartum Win!

/ Jenn

It’s been a while since I reported on my PPD / PPA experience. It may seem that I’m completely recovered. That’s almost accurate.  I have indeed gained a lot of confidence as a mother, and a lot of things no longer bother me like they used to. I’ve definitely come a long way.

Yesterday, I faced a PPD / PPA fear of mine…and won. One of the biggest fears that I had was going to places with my son without any support. I was always convinced that something would go wrong and that I wouldn’t know what to do.  I was fearful of not having anyone there to help. I was worried that I might endanger my son somehow. It created a lot of anxiety, and I found it easier to just avoid any instances. Up until yesterday, we rarely went alone together. There were maybe one or two occasions, but they were very short.

The day had finally come where I could no longer avoid a long outing.  There were two places in which I had to bring my son alone yesterday.  I was still nervous about it, especially because he is now vocal and moves quite a bit.  In the past, I would worry about how he might be bothersome to others, or that I might be forced to cancel my obligations.

The first instance was my therapy appointment. I have never brought my son to these appointments. I wasn’t comfortable with the thought, because I didn’t feel that I would focus on anything with him there. I would instead spend more time ensuring that things were calm and that he was comfortable. Back then, I would pay a sitter to watch him or lately, rely on my mother in law to watch him.  This time, neither option was available.

The old me would have been wrought with questions. What if he cries? What if he becomes inconsolable? What if he has a tantrum, or gets really hungry? What if we lose focus and I just can’t get help that day. What if he gets hurt?

Amazingly, a few of these things did happen, but I was unfazed by it. It seems that I went into automommy mode; I met his needs while in discussion with the doctor.  I wasn’t nervous or scared. I just went with it.  He wasn’t even that fussy at all. He actually enjoyed myself, and I got the therapy I needed. WIN!

Right after the appointment, we were supposed to meet a friend for dinner. This was the first time that he and I would be going to a restaurant without Daddy’s help. Again, my former self would have been overrun with thoughts.  What if he gets hungry? I can’t carry my seat cover and those high chairs are DISGUSTING! What if he’s too noisy and cries? What if he gets sleepy? He doesn’t like those high chairs, how will I eat? What if people complain that he’s too loud? How will I handle an outburst by myself?

It turns out, my friend was running late. I had to sit at that restaurant with my son without any help. I was slightly worried, but didn’t show it.  The high chair was disgusting. I hated it! I tried to wipe it down, but it never looked clean enough. I cringed each time he touched part of it. He cried, and dropped his toy. He cried again and dropped his bottle, which rolled on the floor,  underneath the table, with the nipple touching the wall. I had everything but the kitchen sink with me, but I was not prepared for that.

I was feeling disgusted and anxious. I felt that the bottle and toy were contaminated and ruined, and that he was also dirty from the chair. He became slightly fussy and I just there silently begging him to behave.

Then, I took a deep breath. I told myself it wasn’t his fault for being fussy. He had a long day, and it’s not even close to being over.  I hadn’t feed him any solids, so he could just be really hungry. I decided to pull out his favorite movie and distract him until my friend came.  He smiled and quietly sat in his chair as soon as it came on.

My friend came shortly after and I was able to wash the bottle and the toy. I stopped obsessing about the high chair and focused on my friend and son.  Things turned out well, and it became a great dinner without any fuss from Mommy or son! WIN!

I struggled a bit in the beginning, but I’m glad that I was able to overcome my anxiety over these situations.  I can’t avoid things any longer – it’s time to meet these things head on. There will be another time where I’ll have to take him with me to appointments, and there will always be meetups with friends without Daddy coming along. These small wins definitely show that I’m on my way to full recovery!

💙,jenn

 

stock photo from stocksnap.io, artist Tai Jyun Chang

41 thoughts on “Postpartum Win!”

  2. Congratulations on your win! No matter how small, a win is still a win 🙂 I hope this helps you ease your anxiety about being alone with your son, in small but important steps ❤

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  3. you sound like you are doing a great job, I myself don’t have children but do suffer from anxiety. so happy that you are doing great! you do inspire me so much when I decide to have children.

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  4. I’m so glad to hear that you were able to manage on a long outing with your son. I’ve experienced anxiety in the past and it’s really debilitating. I hope you continue to have good experiences battling your PPD.

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  6. You are doing great! I wish someone would have asked me how I was doing, everybody asked about the baby, but never how the mother is doing. It’s very important to trust yourself and be confident.

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  7. I don’t have any children of my own so I can only imagine what you go through everyday. But you inspire me not to give in to my fears! I am so glad that you are doing better, and so proud of you for being able to face your fears of having to be alone with your son in public! Go you! 🙂

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  8. Good job!!! Those first months are so hard. Just getting out of the house hardly seems worth it. But keep moving forward, it will get easier. You are a mom, and there is nothing harder and nothing more worth it.

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  9. I totally feel yyour pain. I remember the first few times I went grocery shopping with my new son and I almost had total melt downs about just leaving the house. Whenever you get to a point where you are confident enough with your “mommy skills” to reduce that anxiety it really does feel incredible!

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  13. I am a mom of two and I sometimes feel anxious too but remember this, women are the most amazing beings and can really do anything. You got this mama!!! What is the worse that’s going to happen? If the baby is fussy it’s ok. I bet you have lots of tricks in your bag so feed him, change him, redirect him, give him a toy, and you’ll get through it. Always ask for help if you need it and don’t stress so much. There is no doubt about it that parenting is hard but you are doing your best and your best is awesome! Hang in there!
    Christine at For The Love of Teachers

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  15. Way to go Mama! I too have a hard time taking little one out to a restaurant without getting worried about how she is going to act. No need to worry about it as they’re babies and they will do what they please, good or bad. Way to handle it!

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  16. I remember feeling like that with my first. Then came my second and I was like, “I am not leaving this house without my husband or my mother to help me.” Yesterday was the first time I went out with my two kids alone! My son is 3 and my daughter is 1. And i’m 11 weeks pregnant. Belive me, Mommy. You can do this!

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  17. It’s so rewarding to see progress in ourselves when battling mental illness. For myself, being able to recognize those “wins” was key for my progress. I felt compelled to keep going to therapy and like there was an end. One thing that was helpful for me is having members of my support system point out these wins to me. Great job!

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  19. Mama sounds like you are doing great. I have PPA and I feel some of it has gotten worse as my daughter got older, more vocal and extremely mobile, but I too am on the mend. It’s so hard, but it’s so good to know there are other Mommy’s going through the same who are strong like you and can share their story!

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