Things wind down, and I eventually begin my evening routine. It’s without much purpose, without any preparation for the next day. There aren’t a list of things planned for the next day. In fact, every day feels like a Saturday.
It’s dark. It’s generally quiet – only the sounds of my husband and son sleeping can be heard. Small amounts of light from appliances fill the room.
The darkness, the silence – it amplifies the emptiness I feel. It’s a mix of loneliness and uncertainty. It’s anxiety and fear. It’s everything that comes from a huge unexpected change.
I worry that this would come day after day. I don’t have a plan. My routines, if any, are different.
What I did do today? What’s the purpose of the things that I will do tomorrow ? What am I going to do tomorrow?
During the day, I can be distracted by other things. Tasks, friends, my son… but here, it’s impossible. The silence feeds my mind. I am reminded that things are changing. I don’t have control. How long will this last ?
Only during these lonely nights do I feel such unease. These nights bring with them such uncertainty. There is no comfort of the old regular schedule. There is only the unknown. The unforeseeable, unpredictable unknown.