The Painful Truth

/ Jenn

Sometimes, late at night, I’m reminded of this painful truth.  While everyone else is sound asleep, I am awake and alone with the realization of something very certain. Inevitably, tears stream my face. They fall without any accompanying sounds, and I always try to shut my eyes tighter to make them stop.  It’s all in vain. No matter how hard I try, I cannot escape this painful truth.

Nothing can erase the painful truth - thismommyisreal.com

The empty void, the stinging pain of losing a loved one never truly goes away.  What people say is true; the intensity of the pain does lessen with time.  It is always there, but it tends to bury itself under other things as we heal.  From time to time, we face the triggers or memories, or even come across thoughts, and the pain becomes real and intense once again.  For me, I’m reminded every so often that my parents are long gone.  This is a wound that can never heal.

I always seem to think of what could have been, or even, what should have been.  My parents didn’t get to live long, healthy lives. My mother wasn’t around to see me past my pre-teen years.  I couldn’t confide in her all the things a young girl would have wanted to.  I didn’t get to ask for her guidance. I didn’t get to cry in her arms my heart was first broken, and later again when it was torn apart. I never had a chance to tell her the pain of my miscarriage. I will never be able to ask her what it was like for her to become a mother.

My father didn’t get to walk me down the aisle. He didn’t have a chance to see what I’ve become. He never got to see the impact he had on me. He never got to see his favorite bands or sports teams in person.  He didn’t get to travel home one last time.  I never got the chance to ask him what it felt like to be a parent in your 30s. I never got to ask him what it felt like to see your dreams realized through your children.

The part that tears me up the most is that they will never know the joys of being a grandparent. I see my in-laws, and the way they look at my son. I see their excitement and love. I wish that my parents could have experienced the same. I think my mother would have enjoyed cooking his meals and reading the same stories to him that she read to me.  My father would have loved to joke around with him, and tell him stories from his childhood.  They both would have laughed at how much my son resembles me. They would have marveled at how he seemed to inherit the same little quirks that I have. They would have joked around about how his naughty behavior was payback for my own.

The tears will only temporarily cease.  I can’t change what happened. I can’t bring them back.  Alas, these are things that can never be.  Dreams will continue to haunt me.  There’s not much that can bring comfort to a stolen future.

The painful moments do pass, and I try to think of the good times.  I think of all the fond memories I do have, and what kinds of things my son does that would have made my parents laugh.  I’m happy with the fact that they would have been extremely proud of us.  I know that they are somewhere out there, watching over me and my family.  I try to think of them this way, if only to at least ease the pain.

43 thoughts on “The Painful Truth”

  2. I’m sorry. I can relate. I lost my dad and it makes me so sad that my boys won’t get that experience from having a grandpa. One of my biggest fears is losing my mom. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find peace in the wonderful memories. Hugs to you.

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  5. Loss is hard. My mother passed away from cancer and it took a long while to move forward. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to share your current life with your parents. That must be a huge loss.

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  11. This really made me cry. I admire your strength, honestly. I’ve been fortunate to not have anyone close to me pass away so I cannot imagine what that feels like. I’m honestly terrified of the day it happens because I don’t even know how I’d be able to live. I really do commend you for being so strong and living your life, as I’m sure the way your parents would’ve wanted.

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  12. Thank you for sharing your heart, for being honest and vulnerable about your feelings. Thank you for reminding us to not take anyone for granted, especially our parents. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, since I have both of my parents, and I have experienced a lot of loss. I hope you will continue to remember the special moments. I love how you share you think of all the things your son does that would make them laugh 🙂 That’s special in itself.

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  13. I teared up reading this. I am so sorry for your losses but I love how you try to find the good in it. Like knowing they would be proud of you and your son.

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  16. This is one way in which I love the idea that people may have souls and can watch us after they pass -so long as they don’t do it while I’m using the bathroom or making them more grandchildren. 🙂
    Thank you for sharing your poignant feelings. Tell your children stories you remember about your parents and they will continue to live in the best way they can.

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