The beginning was hard. Every week, I went to the support group. I couldn’t bring my son with me. I was fearful of being anywhere outside of the home with him. I felt like I had no control. I felt broken and lost. I cried at every session. I was confused. Who had I become? Despite all this, I still attended the Postpartum support group every week. I told my story. I listened to others.
The women in the group came from different backgrounds. Working women, stay at home mothers. Different ethnicities and ages. Teachers, lawyers and other professionals. Yet, here we were, all suffering together.
I knew that Postpartum Depression and Anxiety could affect anyone and at any time. I also knew that there were certain things that increased the risk of developing it. According to the Mayo clinic, these included:
- A history of depression, either during pregnancy or at other times
- Bipolar disorder
- postpartum depression after a previous pregnancy
- family members who’ve had depression or other mood stability problems
- An experience consisting of stressful events during the past year, such as pregnancy complications, illness or job loss
- The baby has health problems or other special needs
- There is difficulty breast-feeding
- problems in a relationship with the spouse or significant other
- weak support system
- financial problems
- The pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted
Not all of us in the group had these risk factors. Some of us had a difficult birth. Some of us struggled with breastfeeding. Some of us didn’t have a proper support system. We were all different. However, I started to notice something; something very clear about many of us. It didn’t show up as a risk factor, and I didn’t hear about it in any prep class or during my sessions with my first therapist. I found that we were strong, confident, and independent women. We were problem solvers. Many of us were established career women. We had strong mindsets, and were used to being in charge.
I saw at least one of these attributes in many women who I met after that support group. I saw in a few friends that confided in me that they suffered as well. I wondered – did having this type of personality make us a bit more susceptible to PPD and PPA? Did my former identity have a part in my current suffering? According to Veronica, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in San Diego, my situation isn’t very uncommon.
“…having these traits can make the transition of motherhood more difficult, since career oriented women often thrive and are successful [due to] their strong, take charge mind-set.”
It made sense in my particular case. My primary goals in life, my whole definition of who I was came from my career and my success from it. Once I became a mother, that changed immediately. I lost my sense of identity. I used to see myself as a strong and confident person, willing take on challenges that weren’t easy (hello Muay Thai!). Yet, as a mother, I was very insecure and afraid. I used to think that I was fairly independent. However, motherhood turned me into someone who could not function without help. I feared being alone – most of all, I was terrorized by the thought of being alone with my son. I needed someone to help me at all times.
The fear of failing at motherhood was overpowering. I was not capable of taking care of this child. I was not capable of succeeding at anything at that point. I cowered in shame and fear on a daily basis. I was a stranger to myself.
I suppose that it all came down this. I enjoyed being a confident, successful person. I loved to be able to plan and solve problems. I loved to be able to control things. It fueled my self-worth. It drove my desire to succeed. I saw it in myself at work. I realized it through my training in boxing and Muay Thai.
The issue was, I could not solve motherhood. There was no plan for it. I couldn’t control it in any way. All of my issues came one after the other, and each time, I felt like I failed. Each time a problem surfaced, I felt helpless. I was plagued by the trauma of the birth. I was overcome by our struggles with breastfeeding. I was a new mom, and nothing was going right.
Where was that strong person that I used to be? Being out of control felt very unsettling. According to Veronica, my feelings were very normal:
“Being thrust into an experience of postpartum mood disorders that cannot by controlled by sheer willpower or intelligence, is distressful in particular for women that are used to being in control of their environments. Experiencing the lack of control, debilitating anxiety and worry, and having overwhelming rollercoaster emotions is difficult. Since most of their lives they have managed to be successful in exerting high-level problem solving and self-efficacy, going through something that is beyond your control is unchartered territory for many; It is particularly distressing for this type of career oriented women.”
BOOM. The realization of one of the primary sources of my pain was surprising. However, it made sense. I felt like I lost who I was. Motherhood didn’t fit me. My former life didn’t feel right either. I couldn’t identify with anything, and everything felt wrong. In my mind, I failed and failed again, and that was something that I couldn’t deal with.
Overtime, I had to learn – my life had changed, but not necessarily in a negative way. It took a lot of therapy, and a little medication. It took a lot of talking, and being open with what I was feeling. I had to teach myself that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I also had to learn something else. I didn’t lose my identity. Overtime, I saw things change. I found other things in life that were meaningful to me. Most importantly, motherhood became something that I didn’t have to solve; it became something I wanted to enjoy and experience.
I considered myself no longer a sufferer of PPD and PPA. I am happy with who I’ve become. I am mixture of many things. I am still strong. I am still confident. I am still the best parts of who I was before. I am also more. Motherhood taught me many things that I didn’t know before. I am now happy with who I am, and how I came to be.
Postpartum Depression and Anxiety can happen to anyone. There are risk factors, but it does not guarantee that a mother will experience them. If you are experiencing PPD and PPA symptoms, please reach out to a healthcare professional. There are many resources available. You’re not alone, and it does get better.
23 thoughts on “Was I at Risk for Postpartum Depression?”
I struggled as well; I relate to much of this.
Thank you for sharing your story, it must’ve taken a whole lot of courage to put these thoughts to words. I never noticed that career women were particularly vulnerable to PPD and PPA , but it makes so much sense when you explained it. I’m so glad to hear that you’re happier now, and wish you all the best! – AL
Yes, it didn’t occur to me as well! Thank you so much
Thank you for sharing this with us. I know postpartum is nothing to take lightly. I had some when I had my son and it took a great support system to keep me from getting worse. I wish you all the luck on your journey with this
I absolutely loved reading this & could so relate. I had Post Natal Depression with all my kids (2 sets of twins) and I think a huge problem was that I am a very organised & time focused person & had to learn how to cope otherwise. On top of sleep deprivation, crappy breast feeding experiences, lots of anxiety & lots of kids, I was a prime candidate. Thank you for having the courage to tell your story xx
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Thank you for having the courage to share this! This is so important and helpful.
Thank you for sharing your story and common risk factors. Also for helping remove the stigma from PPD and PPA. Hopefully Moms who are struggling will see this and reach out for help
Thank you for the courage to write this. It is so insightful.
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Thank you for stepping up and sharing your experience with PPD which is a real mental issue a lot of women face. I love your candid thoughts of your own journey through PPD and how it is vitally important to get help, talk to someone, or join a support group. I’m so glad that you got through it and are now enjoying being a mother. Thanks so much for sharing!
You bring up a really interesting point about career-oriented women being at more of a risk for PPD. It makes sense to me that jumping from a career where you’re killing it and know everything that needs to be done, then into motherhood where there’s a lot of unknowns and things to be figured out, can be a particularly difficult change. I love that you are shining a light on the clear risks and the the not-so clear things that could make women more susceptible to PPD.
Great read! I think that I may have had PPD after my 2nd child. My mom thought I was having a negative reaction to medication since I had a C – Section but after reading this I think I actually had PPD. Thank you for this piece cause I personally think there can’t be too much information shared about PPD.
It’s interesting that you state that career-oriented, take-charge women can be more susceptible to PPD and PPA. I am kind of that way myself—-that is career-oriented and wanting to be in charge. However, I don’t have any children, so that it is something that I may monitor closely should I have children in the future. By the way, I am glad that you are feeling better now and that you are able to experience joy and motivation in being a mother.
I suffered from Post Partum health anxiety. It was awful. Luckily there are so many mums who feel the same and who are willing to help and support you
I also suffered from PPD. It makes me nervous about having baby number two. Will I have PPD again? Where will I find support now that I live 600+ miles away from my family?
More power to you for coming out and talking about it . I am a first time mother , I struggled too , thanks to family they supported me and I came out of it pretty quickly. We won’t talk about it for the fear of being judged , but to hell with everything. Till the time I am not well , I can’t take care of anything .
Thank you for having the strength to share this. Too many women suffer in silence and don’t get the help they need.
I’m not sure that what I went through was technically post-partum depression, but I certainly know the shame and despair you’re referring to. I felt completely out of control. I had no idea what this ‘maternal instinct’ that everyone talked about actually was. But I eventually got it. My hunch is that there are many many women going through this. But only a certain woman is willing to admit it, which is a shame. It can create a real sense of isolation during a time when we need community the most.
I know someone who didn’t suffer from this until after her third baby. It can happened to anyone after any pregnancy. Great read.
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Yes, one of my friends was fine after her first pregnancy but got it with her second.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know so many mothers go through and it can be so difficult. I’m pregnant with my third and sometimes you just never know how you will react after having a baby. Sierra Beautifully Candid
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Yes thanks ! I wish you a healthy and happy delivery !
I met quite a few women who had PPD and they were all so different in their character, for some it was their first child, for other’s it’s their second or even third. You never know if or when you might get PPD but one thing I know for sure, we have to look out for one another and help each other when we see a friend in need because it is very difficult to ask for help…
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Yes, you never know who it will affect. It’s so important to have a great support system !