The television blares with the sounds of nursery rhymes. My son climbs too close to the tv stand, engrossed by the moving sights and the repetitive melody. I wince my nose and send a warning that he is again, too close to the tv. It’s all but background noise to a 13 month old.
I wince again, with a familiar, putrid smell permeating the room. I pick up my son, amidst his loud protests. He struggles.
I continue with the process of changing him, but it can’t happen fast enough. A tantrum ensues. My son’s arms and legs flail, and soiled wipes make their way outside of his diaper. The contents touch everything. To my horror, it spreads to his limbs, noticeable streaks going up his arms. He cries louder and fights as hard as he can manage. He pees on himself in the process and manages to touch more soiled items.
STOP TOUCHING THE DAMN POOP! I yell in a loud, booming voice.
My voice is angry, harsh and frustrated. I attempt to hold his legs together to avoid any further contamination. His arms and hand were not so lucky. The realization fuels another angry outburst.
My son’s voice also changes. He has never heard such anger come from his mother. It frightens him, and he can only respond the one way he knows how. The thrashing stops, but is replaced by fearful throaty cries, that steal as much breath as possible. He’s scared.
I am still frustrated. It’s close to bedtime and now, he needs another bath. It takes a serious amount of willpower to undress him and carefully bathe him without screaming again. He continued to cry, sensing the tension and stern look on his mother’s face.
A small reprieve comes. There is no movement or sound between the two of us. He stares down at the water. I breathe in heavily, fighting emotions. This was not supposed to happen. I am not that mother.
The silence is broken by movement in the tub. He looks at me and I lecture him. He cries again. At this age, a lecture means nothing more than a sign. Mommy is angry. Mommy is mad at me.
I wrap him in his towel, preparing him for bed. Soft sobs escape from his mouth. He’s still affected by my actions. My heart breaks.
The next moment, he is in my arms, the same way he did when was four months old. The sobs become stifled as he buried himself further. He looks at me. He’s waiting for my acceptance.
I hold him closer and comfort him. I cradle him like I did so many months ago. I breathe in deeply as I caress his head. I miss the little baby moments. It makes me sad and I am torn at my previous actions. His eyes continue to search for forgiveness. For some reason, I cannot compromise.
His father soon comes home. I ask for private time. I needed to completely calm myself. I needed a moment away and alone.
It’s many hours later. I feel better now, but yet, I feel sadness over the pain he went through. This was my first angry outburst at him. I felt like I wasn’t in control of the situation. If I had issues now, what would it be like months or years from now? As angry as I was in the moment, the burning feeling of guilt remains. It burns in my chest and forces a heavy, solemn mood. I want so much for it to go away, because this situation will not be the first of its kind. I wanted to be able to ignore the feeling and move on.
In time, it does. The realization sinks in that these moments will happen throughout our lives. It’s part of parenthood, and eventually (soon) I’ll learn to deal.
This Mommy is Real 
We have all been there. This doesn’t make you a bad mom … it makes you human. From a mom of 4, I can say it does get easier. You are knee deep in some pretty hard years. Hang in there ❤
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Your words paint a vivid picture. I am not a mom (yet) however I felt every emotion you did reading that. Beautifully written!
Xo
Nicole
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It’s so hard–especially when they are having tantrums. But don’t worry…we all get frustrated. He knows you love him!
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Thank you so much for sharing this moment with us. Being a mother is hard. Best of luck to you and your family.
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I’m not a mom yet, but it’s in the stars for me in the next few years. This post brought a tear to my eye – it’s so beautifully written and captures what an emotional rollercoaster motherhood must be. Bookmarking for the inevitable times when my future baby will make me angry, too. Thanks so much for sharing!
– Jen, thejenproject.com
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There are moments during parenthood that are over whelming. We say things out of frustration. We always love our kids but a moment can be too much. Don’t be too hard on yourself
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Yes, I’m taking solace in the fact that he forgives me !
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I like that – we reparent ourselves. Definitely a growing process
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The way you described a mom’s feelings during those tantrums is spot on! Thanks for giving voice to our inner struggle.
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Thank you! Sometimes it’s hard for people to be honest – but it’s so real for us !
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Oh sweetie! We’ve all been there. When my kids were younger I yelled so often and felt guilty all the time. There were times I just sat in church and cried because we had been having such a frustrating week. It does get better. Although. . . . I just yelled at my 13 year old no less than 5 minutes ago! It does get better though. I know that doesn’t help at all while it’s happening, though. Kids have an absolutely amazing capacity to forgive though, so take heart in that. 🙂
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Sweet tender hearted mama, may your soul and voice always be gentle. It is said that when we patent our children, we reparent ourselves. May the path of sacred motherhood always lead you home to your child’s heart (actual & inner) and may you, as loving soul be present, always. ❣️
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It happens to us all, mama. Don’t beat yourself up; it probably won’t be the last time, either. The most important thing is to ask for forgiveness from him and from yourself, and move forward, striving to do better next time. That will teach him more than a perfect mom with no outbursts ever could.
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You’re right, it won’t be the last time. Definitely a learning process.
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My son is at the age where he is testing his limits and I’ve found myself losing patience with him easier. Especially in situations where I feel that it’s important for him to listen (come back here you have gone too far!) When he ignores me and keeps going it makes me so mad! I try to keep my cool but how else do you let them know the importance of listening?!? I’m still learning. You are doing a fine job and he will forget all about it soon! I probably would have done the same thing. I get stern with him when he moves too much during diaper changes!
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Thank you! There’s so many of us in the same boat !
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Happens to the best of us. Honestly i would be yelling too over touching poop. So nasty, thank goodness my girls never did that to me! You rock mama
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Lol yes, you’re lucky they didn’t.
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Happens to the best of us for sure. Luckily, at least in the younger years, they forgive and forget really easily. Hang in there, Mama!
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That’s true! He doesn’t remember !
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