The memory of that day will always be indelible. The time following it remain charred and broken. When we said good-bye, we had no idea that it would be our last.
It happened so long ago. The day began with such tension. The reasons for the arguments were nothing but normal things between mother and daughter. They were silly reasons for harsh words and the silent treatment. We spent the entire day avoiding and ignoring one another.
Then, just like that, at the end of the day, we reconciled. I felt a strange urge to tell her that I loved her. I said it with such intensity. She replied the same, in the sincere, motherly, loving tone that I cannot forget. Those were the last words we had said to one another. Some time later, she was gone.
In the time following, I found myself playing the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” game. I could have been a better daughter. I should have apologized earlier. Maybe I would have had more time with her. It was a tortuous process, and I often found myself stuck in it. There was always something missing. Growing up without her was not easy. I found myself feeling lost because I didn’t have what my friends did with their mothers. I didn’t have the same support system that their mothers gave to them. I didn’t have a female figure to confide in during those teen years.
As time passed, the wounds healed somewhat, and in some way, became callused. Now and then, I would feel the pain, but I had learned to accept what was. For so many years, I could tell people my story without breaking down. It was just a part of my life.
When I became a mother, the pain and the intensity returned. I could never share this experience with her. I could not ask her about her pregnancies. I would never hear any of her lessons or advice. She would never hold my son or tell him of my childhood. He would never know her in any other way than a photo or random stories.
So much time has passed, and my time with her was short. There are only so many short stories you can tell. Our last story will always be difficult to tell. It cannot be erased, and I can never forget it. The only solace I have are the last words we said.
This Mommy is Real 
I’m so sorry for your loss – I don’t have a very close relationship with my mother. She’s incredibly toxic. There’s nothing I’d love more than to share her grandchildren with her, but she’s too busy being ‘too old to be a grandma’. This brought a tear to my eye. 😦
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Loosing a parent is hard. But I’m sure your mother is proud of you.
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I’m sorry you lost your mom at such a young age. You made an interesting connection about how becoming a parent gives you a new perspective on what your parents did for you. In some way, I wonder if our parents will live on in us and in our parenting once they’ve passed.
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Your mother is proud of you. Beautiful blog…so insghtful.
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I can relate to your story, I still have my mom, but I lost my dad three years ago. So I can totally get where you are coming from, I am so glad that you were able to have some time with you mom. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Losing a parent is so hard. I will always wish I could have talked with my Dad just one more time.
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I think it is a normal part of life, a necessary part of life, to have regrets. It is how we grow as individuals. While you cannot change your past, you can always learn from it and make the most of it.
Your time with your mother may have been cut short, and you both could have done things differently I am sure – but ultimately, this is your chance to make every day, every moment with your loved ones matter. To make up with a long lost friend. To tell someone you love them, more often. To do small acts of kindness for others, for no reason other than you want to. To do something for yourself, because you deserve it.
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Wonderfully said. I like your perspective on regrets. I couldn’t agree with you more on kindness for all.
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Losing a parent is tremendously difficult! Your mom would not want you to play the shoulda, woulda, coulda game. It never has any winners. She would want you to hold on to the “I love yous” you shared. We all say things we regret from time to time and as a mother you know we never hold on to those things. The I love yous are what matter!
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Absolutely. Being a mother also helped me understand what she may have felt
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Absolutely. Being a mother has also helped me understand her a bit.
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I can’t imagine the pain. I have heard many stories like this. I hope you can find a way through the pain.
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Thank you so much. It gets better with time.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Hold on to your precious memories. They can never be erased and will always be a part of who you are.
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Yes thank you. The memories help so much.
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Wow! I can’t imagine. I have friends who have similar experiences and while I can listen, it’s hard to know what to say, how to comfort. I am a mom of adult children now. If something happened to me suddenly, I would want them to be secure in knowing I love them, that I am proud of them and that an argument or disagreement could never erase that. We’re all different, but I think most moms share similar feelings. I’m sorry you can’t share life with her. It sounds like you are building one she would be very proud of.
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Thank you Lori. I think you’re right. No matter what, as a mother, you want your children to know how loved they are. I like to think I’m leading a good life and that I’m making her proud. I very much appreciate your sentiment 💙
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I think this is beautifully written and your mother would be very proud of you!
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Thank you so much
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I am sorry for your loss and as they say with time, the pain can become less intense. The last words you had shared, matter and erase all the pain and forgive all the unspoken and said words.
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Thank you, that means a lot.
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For such an intensely difficult topic to write about you did a wonderful job. I’m sorry for your loss. Regret and guilt when dealing with the death of someone is extremely difficult. There’s nothing that can be said to make you feel better. I just hope somewhere in your heart you know that “intense ‘I love you’” you shared with her is what you should hold onto.
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Thank you for your kind words. You’re right and it never gets easy. Over time, I’ve come to terms with what happened, and I hold on to the best moments that we shared.
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