Not Quite There

/ Jenn

Some months ago, I  told myself that I would make life better. I said I was going to work on a healthier lifestyle. I set goals, and thought that I had the determination to do it. I wanted to re-engage some of my old habits. I wanted to feel healthy again. I missed it.

Now, I wonder where that motivation went.  Last weekend, there was a party for our mama tribe, and we took quite a few photos.  I stared at all the posts that I was in, and couldn’t help but cry. Who was that person ? They looked so….round. I felt fat. I looked unhealthy. My arms and legs appeared to be the same type of thickness. I judged myself and thought I was just one round shape – a fat ball.   I thought everyone else was healthy, and I was the outcast who just couldn’t get it right.

Yes, I am a first time mom, who works quite a bit.  It does take a toll on the time and effort that I would have put forth towards my health. However, if I only said that was the reason for my “failure”, then I’d be lying.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I would get home late, and just didn’t want to try. I wanted to focus on my son, on Poshmark, blogging, and just relaxing.  I convinced myself that on most days, I just didn’t have time.

It’s not that I didn’t always try. I did make some attempts on watching what I ate, and I worked out at least once or twice a week. I just don’t think that I made a solid effort. It wasn’t enough for where I am, and what I wanted to be.

I face myself in the mirror every day, and I see the consequences of these choices.  I once again feel bad about what I look like, and what I have become.  I am late to work and functions because I just can’t fit into anything. I am envious of anyone who appears to be healthy, and anyone who can work out so easily. I am disappointed that those people are not me.

I can’t keep going on like this.  If I want to change, I have to do something about it. Now, and TODAY.

Starting Over
Someone at work did tell me that they noticed I was leaning out a bit. I will take that as motivation to continue.  I worked out once this week and went for an easy walk.  Today, I am meeting my trainer for a session. I have ordered a meal replacement shake to use in the short term so that I can learn stop eating unhealthy foods at home.  I am trying to eat out less, and trying to choose more healthier options to eat.

More importantly, I have to tell myself that comparisons are dangerous. I am not those people. I don’t know their stories, their struggles, or what they do to maintain who or what they are.  I am a product of my choices and my experiences. I can’t change it all, but I can do something about it. .  I need to focus on myself, and not on anyone else.

I know that progress will come, and results are slow. Even in 30 days, if there is some improvement, I know that anything will be better than how I view myself today.
 

25 thoughts on “Not Quite There”

  1. Thank you so much for your honesty. I feel like this too, most days. I’ve gotten to the point where I know nothing will get better unless I’m willing to put the work into it. I started doing 15 minutes of light exercise each morning. It’s not a lot right now, but it’s a start!

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  2. I’m so proud of you for making that commitment! You can do it! As a mom and personal trainer that has struggled with my weight my entire life I can honestly say I know how it feels to look at a picture and just cry. To this day I refuse to look at the maternity pictures I took for my son. If you ever need to talk or just want someone to help keep you accountable let me know!!

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  6. Taking care of yourself is easier said than done, I got so used to doing everything for my family I have no time or energy to do the same for myself, so PB sandwich for dinner is on the menu like every day! Being aware is the first step. You should not be so hard on yourself, just take it one step at a time.

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  9. I feel that I wrote that post myself and you are in my head. I agree with others not to be too hard on yourself. It was tough to work out before kids (or so I thought). I’m 3 weeks in to working out daily, and I am finally feeling more like myself. I thought I would be more stressed finding the time (aka waking up early), but the opposite has happened. I feel like I have more balance…I didn’t see that coming. Wanted to share that for what it is worth, because I 100% understand where you are coming from. XOXO

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  13. Thank you so much for being vulnerable, honest and putting your thoughts about this out there. I’m seriously in the exact same boat and pretty much go through the same steps everyday. My blog is definitely because I’m writing about clean eating and healthy living, and that makes me want to do it more so I can be honest about my experiences with my readers. Take it one day at a time! 🙂

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  14. I’ve been there and done that too. Being a mommy and working and getting used to a whole new routine truly is a huge challenge. What really helped me was to make one change a month. First I got rid of dairy, then sugar. Then I walked 7,000 steps a day, then 10,000. Finally I discovered low carb/high fat eating, and then I finally saw that all my changes were slowly making a difference. You can get there, just don’t expect so much at once!

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