Some months ago, I told myself that I would make life better. I said I was going to work on a healthier lifestyle. I set goals, and thought that I had the determination to do it. I wanted to re-engage some of my old habits. I wanted to feel healthy again. I missed it.
Now, I wonder where that motivation went. Last weekend, there was a party for our mama tribe, and we took quite a few photos. I stared at all the posts that I was in, and couldn’t help but cry. Who was that person ? They looked so….round. I felt fat. I looked unhealthy. My arms and legs appeared to be the same type of thickness. I judged myself and thought I was just one round shape – a fat ball. I thought everyone else was healthy, and I was the outcast who just couldn’t get it right.
Yes, I am a first time mom, who works quite a bit. It does take a toll on the time and effort that I would have put forth towards my health. However, if I only said that was the reason for my “failure”, then I’d be lying. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I would get home late, and just didn’t want to try. I wanted to focus on my son, on Poshmark, blogging, and just relaxing. I convinced myself that on most days, I just didn’t have time.
It’s not that I didn’t always try. I did make some attempts on watching what I ate, and I worked out at least once or twice a week. I just don’t think that I made a solid effort. It wasn’t enough for where I am, and what I wanted to be.
I face myself in the mirror every day, and I see the consequences of these choices. I once again feel bad about what I look like, and what I have become. I am late to work and functions because I just can’t fit into anything. I am envious of anyone who appears to be healthy, and anyone who can work out so easily. I am disappointed that those people are not me.
I can’t keep going on like this. If I want to change, I have to do something about it. Now, and TODAY.
Someone at work did tell me that they noticed I was leaning out a bit. I will take that as motivation to continue. I worked out once this week and went for an easy walk. Today, I am meeting my trainer for a session. I have ordered a meal replacement shake to use in the short term so that I can learn stop eating unhealthy foods at home. I am trying to eat out less, and trying to choose more healthier options to eat.
More importantly, I have to tell myself that comparisons are dangerous. I am not those people. I don’t know their stories, their struggles, or what they do to maintain who or what they are. I am a product of my choices and my experiences. I can’t change it all, but I can do something about it. . I need to focus on myself, and not on anyone else.
I know that progress will come, and results are slow. Even in 30 days, if there is some improvement, I know that anything will be better than how I view myself today.