I’m fast approaching my third month back at work.  The first two weeks were a breeze, and the latter weeks were a series of transition and struggle, learning and coping. I’m doing better as time goes by, but it doesn’t feel the same. I think the positive aspect of it is that I’m adapting to my role at work, and I’m just going with the flow.

The other part of this, is my role is a mother. I went from being full time mom for five months to something else. A dual role that I didn’t know how to  comprehend.  How do people make it work?

Three months in, I still don’t exactly have the answer.  Family takes care of my son while I’m gone. I know I’m extremely lucky. Yet, I feel like I’m left out.  My son grows everyday. He has new habits, new skills. Most of the time, I feel like I miss the first occurrences. The family sees it before I do, and I get a text in the middle of a meeting showing me what’s new. I’m happy. I’m sad. I feel like I’m light years away.

I rush home everyday asking what my son did that day. I want to know every minute detail.  My family replies with, “Nothing exciting”. Maybe to them, the day isn’t. It’s everything to me. I want to know it all. Even if it means I missed something the first time, then I can make a mental note to see if it happens again later. After all, it is disheartening when I point out something that I believe to be new, only to hear, “Oh, we’ve seen him do that before”.

My hours at work are long. I leave when he’s just waking up. I come home, and sometimes he’s asleep. Other times, he is awake, but only for a few hours.  I get home, and sometimes I’m so tired. Other times, I have to do a few things before I see him. Either way, the time we have together is little. It never feels enough.

How do people deal with being a part-time Mommy? I know it’s a silly notion, but that’s what it feels like.  I’m only here half the time.  I know it doesn’t make me less of a mother, and it doesn’t mean that I love my son any less. It doesn’t mean that he loves me any less either.  Yet, I can’t get rid of the feeling.

That’s why this mini vacation was so important. I was able to steal away some time to feel like the “old times again”. Brief moments in time, but nonetheless so important!